I feel like I'm in Waking Life.

Magnolia and I talked for an hour about my paintings and how she prefers to gesso a canvas, but  mostly we spoke about the great balancing act. I told her I've been feeling overwhelmed. She said sophomore means 'wise fool'; I know more of what I don't know. She said there's an ebb and flow to painting. Sometimes you just have to walk away and go to the movies. Sometimes you lie in bed and think and you won't want to leave that nest of comfort in blankets and sheets. Other times you have to lock yourself in your studio and paint. Intermittently you move ahead with full confidence and become distressed, asking yourself "What am I doing?" How you paint and the way you work is the same manner you base your life in. Magnolia said "I have to be invested in my studio work, make a career, be a teacher, love someone and be inside of my own head to find what makes me happy." She said it was good for me now that I'm getting a mild dose of it. "One week I'll paint, and maybe the next I'll say, okay, I have to love this person now."



I guess I took my dried rose home from Hunter's house because it wasn't on her table anymore. We drank and chain-smoked outside, slightly shivering in the light of the candles and talking about everything.
"A rule to live by," she said "is to always go somewhere you're invited to, even if you're apprehensive about it." It's about getting over anxieties, breaking those barriers and finding good in people that is good for you.

The wind snuffed the candles and it was still and silent for a moment. "Maybe Jezebel is saying hi," I offered. Hunter's lighter wouldn't keep a flame to the candle. "Spooky."

We talked about Occupy Wallstreet. It's a grassroots movement that wants to start a conversation about the standards of living and the distribution of wealth. Not against capitalism- against those corporations that exchange money to make money and don't benefit anyone but themselves. Kids want to go there without a reason but to be part of something bigger than themselves, which is important, but a shame because the ones who are aired on the news are fuel for mockery by the media. How can you physically dismantle an empire like that, especially now? These corporations run the country. It's time to go home. The world has taken notice, but the factions they want to listen turn away.
There were less laws two centuries ago. An average American today unknowingly breaks at least three every day. Should there be less government influence? Yes, we have a ballot to vote, but no one listens to the candidates. My parents vote for the same party despite who its members are. It never made sense to me. They were worried about taxes. Do the votes matter? Once someone has taken office, what can we do about decisions made about the country? Nothing. What happened to the idea of the Sovereign? My freedom to help decide what is in the best interest for me, and for my neighbor? We can do nothing but protest and gather by the hundreds in the streets of New York, holding cardboard signs and asking for someone to listen. It's argued that the movement has no demands and is a waste of time, but is there really a solution to the increasing division in class?
The world turns and stomachs churn with hunger, but days amass into nothing and what is done at the end of every one is maintaining life now stuck in a mill wheel motion. What really can be done?

On a relationship, up until this point-
"Sometimes days will be just, 'this is what you're making, this is what I'm making, okay let's go to sleep'."

"Painting doesn't look as professional as photo."
"Yeah, but now everyone can take a 'nice' photo if they have a good enough camera. It's hard to find your place, and be recognized for it."

We spoke about the Israeli-Palestinian War. Is anyone entitled to that land, and why should someone have the power to decide that? Who are we to judge, here in America where we have opportunities in the palms of our hands and we never have to worry about crossing a checkpoint guarded by soldiers to get to school or a job to feed or families. Hunter said she's pro-Israeli. "I was raised like that." I told her to read Palestine. "I don't agree with what is happening to the Palestinians by Israeli hands, but I believe after the Diaspora the Jews should have a home there. Coexist."
Coexistence would be ideal. That postage stamp of land on the map of the world has been bloodied over since the beginning of history. It will never happen. Palestine will fall under the weight of oppression and Israel will thrive and have a business for tourism, in part thanks to the enormous amount of money America is pumping into their military. What do the Palestinians have? Rocks and homemade rockets. They're living in shantytowns piled on top of one another. They can't move.

Our lungs hurt and the candles were dying, so we went inside.



Taylor said she needed a soul awakening. "I was putting together the pieces again, and now I've been smashed to bits."
"I found a four-leaf clover the other day. A few minutes later I checked the status of my India application, and I was accepted. I'm going there at the end of December.
Let's meet each other in our dreams tonight. Where should we go?"
"Ireland. County Cork. That's where my family is from."
My dream was of me waking up from a dreamless sleep and thinking about not being able to find Taylor. There was just blackness.



I talked to the teacher aid at Mt. Royal while some of the students were working on their projects with me at the back table. Her eyes were caked with metallic eyeshadow. She's taking an online course to become a dean at a university, which seemed odd to me because I figured to be high in university ranks, you should be a professor, or you should have done something great. Now she's being a specials needs type of aid for a few students.
"I'm like their mother here," she said.
I was dragged into a long, superfluous conversation about religion with her. It started when I asked the three students, Neisha, Amari and Jayda what they were going to be for Halloween. Neisha said she doesn't celebrate, but if she did she would be Snooki. The aid asked why.
"My religion."
"What are you?"
"I don't like to talk about it."
I immediately said that's okay and tried to change the subject, but the aid was put off by it. Jayda wears a head covering. I think she's Muslim. She also said she doesn't celebrate. Amari said he would probably be a vampire. Jayda was silent when the aid asked what she is.
The aid said she doesn't celebrate Halloween either, being a true Christian. "It's demonic."
"What about Day of the Dead?" I asked. "It's in the same vein and celebrated around the same time in Mexico. And Halloween is also, in a way, to celebrate those who've passed on."
"Nope, it's demonic."
"It's about celebrating your ancestors and paying homage to them, having a festival in the honor of their lives."
"No. They're dead and gone. That's it. They shouldn't be celebrated."
"What about the saints? They're gone but venerated."
She looked like she wanted to kill me. I started nodding my head and agreeing with everything she said and stopped being antagonizing.
"I don't believe in the saints. I'm Christian, not Catholic."
I told her I used to be Catholic. She then lectured me on the basic differences between Judaism and Christianity. Christ followers, the ones who are still waiting for the Messiah- the Jews- they missed the boat.
"What about John the Baptist? He baptized Jesus and is a saint. He didn't just live ascetically in Christ's ways, he was directly involved and made holy."
She talked more about following Christ. With a reproving look of disdain she said, "But you can believe whatever you want."
She went on about the awesomeness of God and Noah's children, how each one was of a different race or ethnicity, and the Tower of Babel, how different language was born. She said after the fall of Adam and Eve, and once Jesus was given to us, it restored the human relationship with God and we no longer have to confess our sins to a priest. We already cut out the middle man. Some Christians don't realize that. There is one God- the Creator. We are the creatures. All that saint stuff doesn't matter- it's about Jesus! Not everything around him.

She pulled me aside and spoke in a low whisper. "Jayda, her father tells her what to believe. She's so young."
I wanted to remind her that she was probably told, or raised to be Christian.
"If she wants to celebrate Halloween she should be able to." The aid was curious about what Neisha was. I said she could be a Jehovah's Witness.
"Nah. She's got to be a Muslim, or some other non(?)-militant religion. She doesn't say the pledge. It's her father's fault. She's a religion that doesn't honor the United States.
"Yeah, I guess so."
I kept it in. I almost told her why I don't say the pledge, but thought better of it.
"I think it depends on the person," I said. "It should be up to the student to choose to say the pledge or not."

We walked downstairs. She said "It was nice talking to you. You always dress well for school. You've just got to be careful-"
"About the shortness of my dresses," I finished.
"Yeah. The boys are at that age, and you're very attractive."



Elisabeth said I've been eating too much dry cereal and that she would let me use one of her meals.
"I have an overabundance. I'll never eat that much Myerhoff."
She walked far ahead of me, almost running to the dining hall, but spoke over her shoulder to talk to me. At dinner she spilled her water over at me from across the table. We talked about classes, DCAD, MICA things, and religion.. She said as a Christian she's pro-Israeli. I'm not sure how the threads of our conversation were pulled together at the topic of the conflict, but they did. She spoke for awhile on that. She was wearing a lanyard that said "I love Jesus" (or was it "Jesus loves me"?)

"Everyone in class knows that I'm really conservative. People give me looks. I don't impose my opinions on others. People think I'm a bigot. I don't judge people to their faces or treat them badly because I have to have unconditional love for everyone. I may not agree with things about them, but they're still a person."

She talked about a group of kids running into her church and dancing on the altar, acting out debauchery. "We were all like, okay mass is over. And then we just went home."

We painted together in the living room at home and listened to her Christian radio program, and both agreed that the speaker was making general, biased and unfair comments about Islam in the Middle East.